My Computer and My Closet

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We all get those ridiculous pop-ups on our computers. “Error Report“…like Microsoft realllllly is tracking those “error reports.” I decided I would do some of my own tracking so I counted how many times, on one day, that little grey box showed up center screen. My computer is a year old and because I do what I do, it is the ultra PC…it even takes the trash out (okay, so that’s an exaggeration.) Are you ready for my personal count? Error reporting popped up 53 times. Now, I readily admit I am not the Einstein of computer afficionados. But I am far from the worst of the worst.

So, I made my own calculations and decided that if there were even only 2,000,000 people per day worldwide getting an equal number of those pop ups, that means that Microsoft is getting 106,000,000. “error reports” per day. I would bet that my estimation is off. If you even take half of that, say 53,000,000 and multiply that by 365 days a year, that means that Microsoft is getting almost 20 trillion error reports per year. Again, I remind you, this is only an estimation and probably way lower than it actually is. I would bet that there are many more than 2,000,000 per day getting those pop ups and probably more than 53 times a day.

Now here’s the question:

If there are more than a trillion error reports on these things, why, in the name of everything holy, have they not figured out what’s wrong?

That same day of the error box enlightenment, I had a massive task on my “In the house” to-do list (as opposed to my “Work” list…but really I work in the house so I don’t know why I have two different lists.) Anyway, at the top was re-organizing my closet. But, now this ”counting thing” got me going.

My closets are a mess. I don’t know what to do with them; I can’t afford to have a closet specialist come in, either from a financial or emotional standpoint. Part of the problem is that I have too much of everything. I tried to eradicate duplications but I have the weight issue. I fluctuate between three sizes on a regular basis. Right now I’m in the chunky Italilan woman range. I haven’t quite progressed to the “Deargodinheaven-shut-your-mouth-or-nothing-will-ever-fit-again” stage…but I am a stress eater and with the advent of the launch of the website and the subsequent anxiety attached to that, I pretty nearly climbed into the fridge, shut the door and ate everything I could feel and smell in the darkness. (Oh, by the way, for those of you wondered? the refrigerator light does go off when you shut the door…and I am one of those who believes that trees falling in the woods still make a noise even if no one is there to hear it.)

So the other day I decided it was time to take action in the bedroom. I’d bought those little skinny, skinny hangers? There are like 200 in a box at Costco? (They are among the few things that are skinny in my closet right now.) I thought I’d start rehanging my clothes on those to see if I could get a little more room in there to fit everything. As I did, I started realizing how much of the same things I have, because of the size issue and the fact that I get stains on things. I have the “Okay-to-wear-around-the-house” stuff and the “Don’t-you-dare-do-anything-but-wear-this-to-Church” clothes. So, I counted. Here’s the results.

In my closet, I have 47 white and off-white shirts of varying sizes, shapes and styles. I have 69 black ones, ditto. (Remember, black is slimming.) There are 32 shades of pink, red and orange and only 21 prints. A couple of tan. No brown whatsoever. I don’t know what my prejudice against brown is; it certainly would help to wear that color if I were having gravy somewhere.

I was so tired after that I couldn’t even approach counting the pants and the sweaters. It would be easy to count the dresses, because I only have a couple and a couple of skirts. A couple of blazer/jacket kinds of things. Then there’s the golf clothes. I am probably the worst golfer in the universe. Really.  But I am (pardon the pun) dressed to the nines when I hit the links. Now, why I keep my golf clothes separated from the regular stuff, I don’t know. Almost all of them don’t look like golf clothes. I could easily wear them to the several places I frequent on a regular basis: Trader Joe’s, Ralph’s, Albertson’s, Church, the Post Office and In-and-Out. (I know; I need to get more of a life.) But I have the “golf stuff.”

Then the real challenge began: shoes and pocketbooks. Now, every woman reading this right now, just rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, yeah…the shoes.” Probably even some of you men. Yeah, I got them. I was married almost 40 years before my divorce and I only got rid of my wedding shoes when I sold my house and moved to California  (and they were just very plain white pumps; certainly not Jimmy Chu, who probably wasn’t even born when I got married). Why, you ask, did I hang onto them? I have no blessed idea. But, there they were, in the bottom of my closet when I packed to head to California, in the same box they were purchased in in 1970, worn only once. So, I counted. End result? 32 pairs of regular shoes and boots (including Uggs in several colors and styles and shoes of varying heights and any manner of toes: pointy, round, square, octagonal…etc.), 8 pairs of sandals and…(drum roll) 22 pairs of flip flops. Yes, 22. I only wear flip flops, unless I go east in the winter to visit my girls. Then when I put shoes or (shudder) boots on my feet to climb aboard an aircraft, my feet get all cranky as if to say “What the hector are these things?” Occasionally, I admit, I do wear a sandal. But that’s usually only when forced. Like a meeting with potential clients or a fancy dinner out. (Fancy meaning the waiters have black pants and white shirts instead of Hawaiian ones and no one asks me if I want fries with that.)

Pocketbooks? don’t even ask. I couldn’t even find them all because I tried, initially, to confine them to one spot in the closet but as I switched off and on and that being usually last minute as I am on my way out the door…to Trader Joe’s, Ralph’s, etc. … I am in a hurry and I toss the most recent one in there and grab the one that “coordinates” better with my “ensemble.” I will tell you this: if there were an entire convent of nuns needing black purses…I could supply every single one of them and probably the ones in the neighboring parish as well. But…I need those to go with the black tops! and the black flip flops!

Anyway, Im thinking about banning myself from my own closet. Imagine the difficulty in doing that. It means I have to either hire a wardrobe person or a maid to handle getting me dressed. Since I can’t afford a closet specialist, I certainly don’t think I could have either of those on the payroll.

What are your personal peculiarities when it comes to clothing and closets?

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