My Mound of Mail

No Responses

As you know, I was away for 12 days, visiting the girls in NJ and at the family reunion upstate NY. When I arrived home I had one of those giant plastic Post Office cartons filled to over-flowing with my held mail sitting at the doorstep. I must be on every mailing list in the universe and they all send me flyers, catalogues, chachkis and religious articles all at the same time, which would be as soon as I go away. I think they have a pipeline to Continental Airlines and Continental tells them when I’ve booked a  flight somewhere. “She’s on her way! Call in the stuffers!”

Well, as I started sorting through the mound I realized how absolutely hilarious some of the things I get are. First thing to catch my eye was a rather expensive looking vellum envelope, no visible return address, with “Free Pre-paid Cremation! Details inside!” boldly splashed across the front. I didn’t open it. It was a little too bulky for my liking and I was afraid they’d sent a sample of their work.

Speaking of samples, I have a couple of religious groups/foundations I support. Operative word being “couple.” In any given mail delivery, I will have no less than three items from the Little Sisters Serving People Who Have Crossed Eyes, the Brothers of the Holy Gifts of the Magi and the Priestly Priory of Friars Who Aid Individuals Fallen on Bad Times Due to a Stock Market Dip. Of course, I’m exaggerating and will probably burn in hell for that. Unless I immediately send a donation to The Holy Caretakers of Those Who Say Bad Things and Think They Will End Up in Hell. (I think I saved the mailing from that one.)

The items are usually rosary beads, the ever-popular address return labels with various religious scenes on them, medals and key-chains with the saint-du-jour, sometimes holy water or holy oil and about four thousand prayer cards, many for saints that I’m sure even the Vatican doesn’t know exist. St. Odilia? really? I have an entire dresser drawer filled with such things because of my afore-mentioned fear of hell if I throw them out. I will not pay for them; I didn’t ask for them and therefore, according to a priest friend of mine, I am not obligated to respond in a financial way. Sometimes I give them to people I know who visit the sick and elderly. They always seem to like those things. Even if they are Jewish.

My favorites, though, are those envelope coupon packets.

One proclaims in big red letters ”Like Getting Money in the Mail.”

I like getting money in the mail, but that doesn’t usually happen until my birthday. I always, always, always open those packets. This time I had about four of these paper treasure chests amidst the backlog. I sort their contents into piles as I go through: Termites, Burglar Alarms, Carpet Cleaning, Duct Cleaning, Garage Door Service, Burgers, Pizza, Closet Organizing, Granite Counter Replacements, Mexican Food, Insurance and because I live in Southern California in Orange County, where the very first Housewifes TV reality show began, the largest pile is of medical personnel offering discounted cosmetic surgery. Yes, believe it or not, that pile is always bigger than even the pizzas and burgers.

My favorite in the plastic surgery pile is what is cleverly termed “The Mommy Makeover”…it is reduced to a mere $9,999.00 with the use of the coupon. Please believe me; I am not making this up. It really exists. For just under ten grand, you can have your boobs bigger, your tummy tighter and your butt back where it belongs. I am always very tempted to give it a shot, but besides not having the bucks, I’m not sure what the statute of limitations is on being a Mommy, since my “baby” is now 34. And I still haven’t lost the weight I gained while pregnant with her.

Well, I’m not due to go anywhere for a while so you can expect that the consumer confidence index will go down again since there will be only a few mailings between now and my next trip. It also means that my recycling can will finally be less full than my trash can.

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