“How Healthy Are You?” Hmmmm.

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That was essentially the question posed in the form of a quiz in last Sunday’s newspaper-magazine section, which was buried in the pile I was recycling Monday morning. It intrigued me, so I actually stopped and took the test. You will not be surprised that I failed miserably, but it was because of my own inimitable, slightly warped and definitely “to the beat of a different drum” outlook on life.

They were a series of “true” or “false” questions and multiple choices.

The first one dealt with milk and mucus. Two things that I have learned I can live without. I only like milk if there are cookies and/or cake involved and well, the other? Do I even need to comment on that?

I have always been of the school  of thought that dairy would increase drippy. Apparently that is not true. All those years I made my kids avoid milk products when they had a cold were totally unnecessary. Since they drank so much of it, there was actually a little more money in the weekly budget when they were sneezing and coughing. Of course, that was eaten up by the co-pay on the visits to the Pediatrician.

Another question offered an interesting thought: Can honey heal a burn? Apparently, this one was true.

I have never been a fan of honey. Somewhere eons ago I read an article that stated that honey was found in the tomb of some Egyptian pharaoh and it was still edible, a million years later. This troubled me for two reasons; first, who taste-tested the honey and determined it was still edible and, second, what else am I personally hanging onto that will still be consumable if they find it a million years after I’m gone?

I can’t keep bread a whole week without it growing mold. Even in the refrigerator. In my old life, the ex and I would pull out containers that had migrated to the rear of the fridge and play a game called “Name What This Food Was.” Alexander Fleming had nothing on me as far as growing bacteria in the cooler.

The correct answer to another of the quiz questions was a no-brainer. It asked who had more “senior moments”…men or women. Hello? Isn’t that the excuse used for forgetting birthdays, anniversaries and to stop on the way home to pick up a quart of milk to go with the cookies and cake?

Then there was the sleep question. MOTNSO (“More Often Than Not Significant Other”) can sleep 12 hours and then take a nap. I don’t get it. That’s missing half the day and if you add it up, over the years, you could be missing half your life.

This question inquired as to what number of hours of sleep linked to premature death. I can tell you…if I have a “Honey Do” list and MOTNSO is here for the weekend, he’d better not sleep 12 hours and take a nap…because I will kill him. That will definitely lead to his early demise.

Now we come to the germ question. This was a multiple choice on which was the worst source: the kitchen sponge, the drain, the remote control or the toilet seat.

 This caused me a real dilemma in answering. The kitchen sponge gets tossed frequently because I tend to do something with it that causes it to fall apart. When it is still intact, I usually run it through the dishwasher once a week. Maybe that’s what makes it fall apart.

I have never employed the “five second rule” in an attempt to retrieve anything out of the drain. It goes in, it’s gone…which makes for smaller dinners if I’m straining pasta and overshoot the collander in the sink.

The remote control intrigued me. I know people who bring disinfecting wipes to hotel rooms and wipe off the remote, after they’ve wiped off their entire airplane seat and the handles on their luggage. They call themselves “precautionary” but I call them “OCD.”

It had to be the toilet seat. I once was in a ladies’ room in NYC in the late ’60′s with Jackie Kennedy and Caroline, who was maybe about 8 or 9 at the time. As luck would have it, she was in the booth next to me. I heard her clearly say in that wonderful whispy voice that she had, “Remember, Caroline, always put paper all around the seat if you must sit down.” Not only did this change her status in my mind from Goddess to Great Mom, but it also reinforced my theory that you must take every safety measure when using a public facility. When I visited Thailand and had to use squat pans, you can be absolutely certain that I had hanging around my neck, in addition to my camera, a pint of Purell.

Actually, the sponge was the culprit with the remote coming in second. Maybe I shouldn’t mock my phobic friends.

But, my very favorite question pertained to how to pass up a piece of chocolate cake.

First off, this presumes to say that chocolate cake is bad for you.  Bill Cosby had a great stand-up routine where he talked about giving his kids chocolate cake for breakfast. He explained that it had eggs and milk and flour and therefore was just another form of scrambled eggs with different “sides” since many of the same ingredients in chocolate cake are also used to make toast.

The choices on this one were a) to weigh yourself that morning, b) utter a phrase similar to my Mom’s favorite diet mantra which is “Once on the lips, forever on the hips” or c) make a fist. The correct answer was “c”…but that was easy. Try to keep me away from that chocolate cake and I will make a fist…and put it right in your face.

I really must start reading the 20 or so books I have on healthy living. Maybe then I would pass one of these Q and A’s.

But then what would I blog about?

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One Response to “How Healthy Are You?” Hmmmm.

  1. Maya says:

    I would have taste tested the honey. That may be gross, but any honey good enough for a Pharoah!

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