Hilarious Headlines

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What’s in the paper is generally not funny,  but my eyes somehow seem to go right to the most ridiculous nuggets of news. I am drawn to them like the proverbial moth to a flame. So, I thought I’d share just some of what I saw in the last week and offer my own editorial comments on each.

In Geneva, an international mega bank (which shall remain nameless but one son-in-law works for the US affiliate) has decided to modify its 44 page dress code/decorum handbook.

I had 16 years of Catholic education. I always had to wear a uniform (except in college, but then we had “academic dress” once a month; why, I don’t know.) Anyway, I never had a dress code/decorum handbook that was more than two pages. How did they get it to 44?

So, some of the changes they are making?

  • Female employees may now be allowed to wear black nail polish, do not have to follow the boss’ instructions on how to apply make-up, may use any scent of perfume they wish and may not necessarily have to keep a spare pair of panty hose in their desk drawers. Speaking of drawers, the financial firm is lifting its ban on allowing only skin-colored underwear.
  • Lest you think these ridiculous rules were directed only at women, men will no longer have to bear strict enforcement on what type of knot with which to tie their tie and beards and/or earrings, if tasteful, will be permitted. 
  • It’s now okay to have an occasional smudge on your spectacles. Prior to this, the powers-that-be were fearful that clients would conclude that if the brokers have a negligent attitude towards personal grooming and an occasional fingerprint on their eyeglasses the said brokers would also have a negligent attitude in the care of other people’s money.

There is no longer a ban on eating garlic and onions.

I want to know who checked underwear for its color  (people who now work for the TSA?) Did they pay someone to inspect the eyeglasses? and how did they know you ate garlic and onions? You came back from lunch and had to pass a breathalyzer test?

Then, this headline caught my eye immediately:

 Girl Falls into Fountain While Texting 

Apparently, some poor girl is so intent on texting while walking through a mall, she never looks up, falls right into a fountain, gets up…and just continues texting. I actually went to find this video on YouTube. It is exactly as described. She doesn’t attempt to dry herself off, check to see if her belongings are ruined…she just steps out of the foutain, picks up her stuff and walks away soaked to the skin, dragging along a drenched shopping bag.  I cannot even imagine what was so incredibly important that she went swimming in the midst of posting and barely acknowledges it. It scares me. Where else does she text and not pay attention? hopefully she’s not the one passing me going 90 mph on the 5 freeway.

And no, it was not me.

This next one was from my local newspaper, The OC Register:

 ”A naked man standing at the corner of a busy intersection on Monday night caused a public spectacle and drew the response of deputies, police said.”

This guy was at a major crossroads in this city, in his birthday suit, bleeding from his elbows. Yeah, I would think that would be a “public spectacle” and I certainly hope it would  draw the “response of deputies.” He eventually admitted that he had smoked PCP and then got into a fight with someone at the local skatepark.  

First of all, who goes to a skatepark naked? There are all sorts of rules about what kind of protective gear you need. And if he didn’t show up there naked, was there no one there that noticed this guy undressing? What made this story even better was that the police never found his clothes or the guy with whom he had the fight. I don’t know why the deputies didn’t just look for someone wearing a shirt with the elbows torn. 

Did you see the piece in the paper about the Chinese sentencing a man to life in prison for skipping out on road toll fees? That seemed a little harsh, ya think?

The self-employed driver used fake military licence plates for eight months before he got caught. The people rallied to his support, saying he made far less in salary than what he’d have to pay just to use the toll roads. The Chinese are granting him a new trial, thank goodness. Sounds a little like the Fastrak system here in California, where it costs $9.00 to use the toll road to the airport, but only $2.00 to park there. That explains why there is never anyone on the 73 not-freeway.

One of the other best told tales this week was the sentencing of mob boss John “Sonny” Franzese who is 93. He is so old, he slept through parts of his trial, even when his own son took the stand to testify against him. A federal judge gave him eight years. That’ll teach him. Someone will have to break the news to him that he won’t get out until he’s 101…as soon as he wakes up.

However, the following is my absolute favorite headline of the week:

‘Hot’ Goat Rides Shotgun With Suspected Drunk Driver In California

At first I thought that they meant this was a reallllllly good-looking goat.

It turns out that a CHP pulled over a car that was weaving in and out of traffic in the manner someone who’s been overly celebrating at a bar may do. When the officer approached the vehicle, he saw there was a goat in the front passenger seat of the car. The driver and the two guys in the back seat stated that they had no idea where it came from and they’d never seen it before. (Obviously, they were all really drunk as well as being really lousy liars!) It was a fully grown horned brown-and-white goat. Riding shotgun. In their car.  I think the reporter said it was a Taurus, which surprised me; I would have expected a goat to be in a Dodge Ram. Animal control took the poor creature to a shelter and the CHP took the driver to the hoosegow.

I mean, really? Were you so drunk you thought you picked up a hot chick in a fur coat? You think the horns would have been a clue.

I will continue to enjoy these silly stories, so long as I don’t see one that has my name in it with the word “allegedly” also in the content and there is no reference to a raccoon riding with me.

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One Response to Hilarious Headlines

  1. joan says:

    congratulations on another informative and funny blog

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