The Police Blotter

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I love reading the police blotter in our local paper. I am not in a high crime area by any means; quite the contrary. I love reading it because it does two things: reaffirms my faith in human nature that some people look out for each other and reaffirms my gut belief that some people are idiots.

Last week’s report in the local weekly had me rolling on the floor laughing. I’ll just give you a few peeks at the perps.

There were the usual complaints about homeless people, whom I have always had a soft spot for in my heart. I was glad to see that some were from people concerned with their safety. Personally, I can’t imagine what terrible things may have happened to these poor souls to have them out on the streets, toting what little worldly possessions they have with them. They aren’t all alcoholics, mentally ill and/or dead beat Dads.

In New Jersey I used to help out on occasion at a soup kitchen in Newark but I always felt I got much, much more out of it than I ever gave. I’d hear some of their stories; many were abused women who had to get out or get dead. Others were tossed out by ill-tempered  parents or siblings. Sometimes I’d bring bags of clothes that my kids had outgrown or I’d outgrown and leave them with the Sisters. I remember how odd it was one day to see someone come through the line in a too-trendy coat that lost it’s style and I’d given away. She seemed to wear it with pride, its faux fur collar framing her thin face. Well, it was warm and it made my heart warm to see her wrapped up in it on a cold winter day. But, as usual, I digress. On to the funny stuff.

I think if I had to pick a favorite this week it was the one headlined “Indecent Exposure.” Apparently the local police were called when a man was found “mooning” a children’s birthday party. This one falls under the category “What was he thinking?”

MOTNSO (“More Often Than Not Significant Other”), who was a teacher for 36 years and still subs in elementary schools,  upon hearing this, roared with laughter and said that no doubt the kids thought it was part of the entertainment! I tend to agree. Little kids wouldn’t see anything but the fact that it was funny. Anything involving “butts” is hilarious until you are, oh, say, 50 years old?

Next two fall into the category of ”funny, but not funny.”

First was captioned “Drunk in Public.” People reported a man falling down drunk from having chugged down a large bottle of vanilla extract. He was in an alley next to a restaurant. I just hope he wasn’t one of the chefs and that all the desserts offered there that evening were sorely lacking in that hint of vanilla.

Last was titled “Unknown Trouble.” A man called the police in a bit of a panic because he believed a group of fugitive men whom he’d met in Hawaii were attempting to kidnap him. This sounded like one of my bad dreams and I was sympathetic to him. Then as I read on, apparently the poor man’s brother got on the line and explained that his brother is schizophrenic. I have to admit, though, that I hoped the police did follow up on him and make sure that he wasn’t being abducted. One of the reasons I was concerned was because the address reported in the article was very near where “The Aliens” lived that I wrote about in the blog on knicknames.

Lastly, “Traffic Stop” had a man arrested on outstanding warrants. The man was a pet trainer. No comment on this one. I can’t even imagine.

I once had an anonymous appearance in a police blotter article. But that’s a story for another blog. Let it just be said that I had not mooned any children, not chugged any extracts of any kind, did not believe that I was about to be taken away by fugitives I met on vacation and I am most certainly not a pet trainer. It involved a neighbor, barking dogs and a friend who’d had too much wine that day.

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