As those of you who follow this blog know, I’ve been on a real health/exercise/eating-right kick for a few months now. Not nearly long enough (or perhaps the phrase is intense enough) to really see any significant differences (although MOTNSO – “More Often Than Not Significant Other” – remarked to me the other day that my “muffin top” was actually now just a “row of mini-muffins.” The nurse at the ER said he should regain consciousness sometime later this week.)
Well, some of the things I’ve been doing include going to Boot Camp three times a week. Actually, I am more like a “sneaker” than a “boot” because I really can’t do 50 crunches with my legs above my head or more than 50 push-ups against a picnic table and “planking?” Any pirate who would attempt to “walk” me would be in no danger of hitting the water because my “plank” always goes “ker-plunk” after about 15 seconds. But I try and the ladies who do it with me are absolutely lovely, not to mention our instructor who doesn’t care that I am always last in everything…although today she did venture to say to me “We need to work on your cardio a little more.”
Could that be because everyone else has gone to have coffee and are back again while waiting for me to finish my circuit around Doheny? and the nearest Starbucks is about a half mile away?
But I keep trying and as they keep saying to me, “Just do it at your own pace. There’s no one to compete against but yourself.”
My “self” isn’t interested in ever winning, apparently.
So, I do Boot Camp on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and in a weak moment I signed up for an exercise class at the Senior Center on Tuesday and Thursday. Again, I was met by an instructor that if I sneezed too hard near her I’d probably break her in half.
This is a much larger class and unlike Boot Camp, at least two-thirds of the ladies (and one gentleman) are older than me. The best thing about it is that they really espouse the rule of doing whatever you can and never mind anyone else. This means, that because most of these women are older, I can beat them out in a lot of the workout because it’s not nearly as challenging as Sneaker Camp. Not that they care, but it does help my self-esteem.
My biggest problem in this class is that, similar to my experience in aerobics classes, from which I have been banned in three states, I am always going left when everyone else is going right…and vice versa. My head doesn’t process things the way others do. I try to stay in the back of the class so I can watch what everyone else is doing, but by the time I’ve figured it out they are on to something else. The poor instructor is always coming up to me and saying things like “No, dear, your other right. Yes, that’s it!”
I feel really strong in that class because I am one of the very few that use five-pound weights for the strength training portion. Of course, none of them know that in Boot Camp, everyone else uses either eight or ten-pound ones…and I think I saw someone take a pair of twelve-pounders out of their trunk but I was too frightened to even consider looking closely at them lest they think I covet them and wish to share.
Before being black-balled by Aerobics Instructors nationwide, I took a “Cardio Disco” class which was video-taped for something or other.
I am the star.
The reason I am the star of it is because I never even once had my body going the way everyone else’s was which produced people pile-ups as the others attempted to get around me in the coordinated choreography. I think the company filming it did it just to enter it in America’s Funniest Home Videos. I don’t watch that, but if any of you see a slightly chubby Italian woman trying to follow an instructor in a blonde Afro, striped bell bottoms and a glitter shirt open to his belly button, please email me. That was the class and that would be me, under the mound of bodies.
So, early Monday to Friday I am sweating with the oldies or I am the oldie, sweating. Then comes mid-morning Wednesday, when I take a class called “Yoga for Stiff People.”
I am the champ at this one.
I am, without question, the stiffest person in the class. My fingers haven’t touched my toes in 42 years. My knees don’t bend the way they should and forget about my back even hinting at cooperation. It is a challenge just to unroll my mat and get it lined up in the proper place on the floor. My instructor is truly gifted and is one of the tiniest people I have ever met. She makes me, at 5’4″, feel like I should be trying out for the Lakers.
She is beyond flexible; she is pliable putty wearing yoga pants and a tank top. The only thing I find I am really good at in this class is putting my hands up to my “third eye” and allowing my body to “melt” into the floor. That’s because I’m sweating so much from the strain of trying to get out of Downward Facing Dog or the Child’s Pose (and why would a dog face downward, anyway? and what child ever sat quietly like that? none of mine ever did!) that by the time we get to the final “rest” I am literally melting into the floor.
I need some help here, People. Is there any one out there in worse shape than me?
Never mind. I already know the answer to that; I was able to read it with my third eye.
PS…if you are interested in joining my “exclusive” Boot Camp check out the trainer’s website: http://www.b2bfitnessbootcamp.com/ I could use some more company, especially if you think you aren’t fit, either. I could use someone to walk with while everyone else is running.