The Demon Doze

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I don’t usually have trouble falling asleep. Just ask MOTNSO (“More Often Than Not Significant Other”) who frequently refers to himself as a “Human Sleeping Pill.” I just need to plop myself down on the couch next to him and after a few minutes his arm becomes a pillow and I could be a cartoon character with a bubble over my head with “Zzzzzzzz” written in it. Of course, the real reason for my slipping into slumber so simply could be because he’s tuned to one of his favorite reality shows, like Storage Wars or Rattlesnake Round-up or, even worse, the Military Channel. I seldom fight for control of the remote at times like that because generally he’s onto those channels because there is nothing else to watch and I don’t care.

It’s with the staying asleep part that I sometimes struggle.

Apparently I am not alone in this, since innumerable friends have posted on Facebook or sent me an email saying  “…I was wide awake from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. …” I have actually considered starting some kind of a support group which could Skype each other or create a “Go-to-meeting” kind of get-together where, since we are all awake at the same time, we could participate in something productive…like gossip. However, the time zone thing has me stymied because if my east coast friends are awake from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. I sometimes haven’t even gone to bed yet.

Perhaps the worst part about being up for a couple of hours is what you dream about when you snooze for that short time before you wake up for good. For purposes of this blog (since I came up with this week’s topic during one of those annoying gaps in the middle of the night) I decided to write down what I dreampt about for that short spell of “re-sleep” which I have decided to re-name The Demon Doze since inevitably Chapter 2 of my nightly nap involved some horror of some kind. Hence, the title for this week’s blog.

Monday: There were hundreds of birds in my home. What I thought was the really scary part was that I didn’t care and I was just living among them, brushing a few off the sofa to sit, chasing them out of the kitchen to cook and swishing them off the bed so I could, well, go to sleep.

Tuesday: I swore that there was a gang of teenagers on the green belt off my patio  laughing and talking and then someone named “Jones” threw up. I mean, I actually heard him gagging and his friends saying “Ooooh, Jones! That’s gross!”  It was so real that when I awoke fully that morning, I hurriedly dressed and went outside to scout around for a pile of vomit somewhere near my home. I know…really? And what was I going to do if I did find it?  I don’t know if any of the neighbors saw me;  if they did I don’t know how I could explain what I was looking for. They think I’m a little crazy anyway, though.

Wednesday: There was an earthquake in the middle of the night. There wasn’t … but I was absoutely positive that one had occurred since I vividly recalled my bed moving and shaking,  books bouncing on the nightstands and watching the ceiling fan twirl a little. The only way I could prove to myself that this had not occurred was to go immediately to my iPhone and check out my Quakee app which records earthquakes all over the world. Nothing within 1000 miles of me that night…and that one was a 1.9 which is barely a burp of the earth’s crust and virtually unnoticeable.

Thursday: I fell asleep reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I can’t tell you about that “secondary dream.” This is a family-oriented blog.  Let’s just say there were feathers in that one, but no birds.

I know I will get several emails and comments from people with suggestions on how to avoid this nocturnal annoyance. For the sake of saving you time and energy, this is what I have done on the occasions that I’m wide awake in the wee hours: gotten up and gone to the computer to play a mindless game, taken my iPad to bed to read, turned on the TV to an old movie, concentrated on relaxing every part of my body beginning with my toes and working north, yoga positions, sleep music and finally, going around my house to see whether there are birds in my living room, teens outside partying near my patio, or if neighbors are evacuating because of an earthquake.

What I have not done is anything that happens with Mr. Grey. I’m just too old to even think about that stuff.

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