Trouble in Tortoiseland

2 Responses

Did you see the article about the two giant tortoises who were getting “divorced” after living together for 115 years? In case you missed it, here’s an excerpt:

“After living together in captivity for 115 years, a mated pair of giant tortoises at an Austrian zoo are refusing to share their cage.

Last week, the Austrian Times reported the turtles were getting a ‘divorce,’ after the female turtle, Bibi, bit off part of the male turtle, Poldi’s, shell.

Zoo staff reported the pair have reached the point where they ‘couldn’t stand each other,’ and despite staff efforts to reconcile the reptiles, with aphrodisiacs and interactive games, nothing seems to have helped. 

It seems as though the split was initiated by Bibi, who not only bit off part of Poldi’s shell, but launched several other attacks against her life-long mate. The turtles each weigh over 200 pounds, and with horn-rimmed mouths and powerful jaws, could easily harm each other if they wanted to.

For his own protection, Poldi was moved to a new bachelor’s pad, er, enclosure.”

Well, I posted this on Facebook and within minutes there were all sorts of comments..and they all made me laugh out loud! So I thought I’d share some of them with you, plus a few more that popped into my own warped little mind:

My Scrabble buddy from Kentucky, Trish, created the theme “Things one divorcing turtle says to the other after 115 years together”…and we were on a roll!

From Trish:

1. “I thought this moment would never come!”

2. “You stole my youth!”

3. “Well, at least we still have a roof over our heads.”

My long-time friend, Joan, who lives in North Carolina, added:

‎1. “I should have done this years ago.”

2. “The sex was really never that good.”

Not to be outdone by my cohorts in comedy, I came up with my own Top Ten Turtle Ticklers list:

  1. “I am so sick of you wearing the same thing day after day.”
  2. “You’re not the same turtle I mated.”
  3. “You don’t listen to me anymore. But then again, I can’t speak.”
  4. “I saw you eyeing that fat turtle. We are done!”
  5. “You only have eyes for the keeper bringing the food.”
  6. “You snor(t) too much at night.”
  7. “I’m not forgetting the terrible things you did over the years. I have ‘turtle-recall.’”
  8. “I know you’ve been hanging out at the Shell station to see that pretty turtle.”
  9. “Years of you seeing that psychiatrist and you still won’t come out of your shell!”
  10. Last and probably least: “I know you cheated on me 97 years ago and I just can’t get over it.”

Feel free to share your own here.

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2 Responses to Trouble in Tortoiseland

  1. joan says:

    (1) aufwiedersehen

    (2) if you could only sing something other than Edelweiss it might have helped

  2. P. J. OUELLETTE says:

    Her parents said, “this marriage will never last!”

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