Maniacal Machines

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Headline from a couple of weeks ago:

“Vacuum Cleaners Take Center Stage In USS Miami Nuke Sub Fire’

“WASHINGTON: The Navy has ordered that vacuum cleaners be emptied after a fire in one caused up to $500 million in damage to the nuclear submarine USS Miami while the boat was in drydock being serviced…”

This has just served to confirm my belief that anything having anything to do with cleaning is dangerous. Vacuum cleaners are at the top of that list.

I have never met a vacuum cleaner I have liked.

When I was a child, my mother had this canister thing that I used to try to ride on because to someone as small as I was it looked a lot like a spaceship. It was silver, round at both ends and was the Cadillac of cleaning appliances. It also used to blow hot air out of the back end which I remember was actually fun to sit behind on a hot day. Knowing them, my parents probably still have it.

Over the years I’ve had several kinds/types of vacuum cleaners…some of those in-the-wall central vacs were a problem when the kids were small because inevitably Barbie’s shoes and even Matchbox cars would get sucked up into it and clog it. When we had a dog, he was absolutely terrified by the thing. He would run around, first growling, then barking, eventually challenging it with that front-paws-down-hindquarters-up-in-the-air stance that says “You want a piece of me?”

Well, I sort of did want a piece of the pup…but just his hair and dander. This is the same dog that was found hiding under a bed after two burglars ransacked our house and stole all my jewelry and the TV set. BUT…there was no way this vacuum would harm anyone in his family!

Then there are those super-duper cleaning “solutions.”

My late father-in-law was a proponent of mixing bleach and ammonia to clean. Now I have never had chemistry but I do know that mixing the two of those together will not only produce caustic chemical vapors but also has a strong likelihood of blowing up. I guess if this happened at any time, I would remember. He was probably incredibly lucky.  If we happened to be at his shore house when he was on a cleaning frenzy I used to find some excuse to take the kids out.  I do confess to being concerned if we were off somewhere and heard sirens, but then was always relieved when I would turn the corner to his street and see that there were no emergency vehicles parked in the driveway, .

The only thing I have managed to do with these “…able to remove even seven day old grass stains…” products is ruin clothing. Probably about a third of my wardrobe is ear-marked “only wear in the house” because at some point or another I stupidly had something decent on when I was attempting to clean and consequently splashed, dripped or otherwise got some of the stuff on me. If I were still living in the ’60′s these articles of clothing would be fine since the results were quite often practically tie-dyed and even sort of psychedelic. However, I am now in my 60′s and that just won’t cut it.

Well, I think this gives me enough reason to justify paying the cleaning people to come every other week to take care of what needs doing…even though I never fail to “clean up for the cleaning people.”

Tell the truth, folks…you know you do that, too.

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One Response to Maniacal Machines

  1. ellen schuerger says:

    as always Judy – most entertaining!!!!!

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