The Devil’s Darts

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I haven’t done a blog about junk mail in awhile and since this week my mail-person has outdone herself with delivering incredibly stupid things (not her choice, I’m sure) including what I’m about to tell you about…well, I couldn’t resist.

Today, among the 1,493 catalogues and my personal letters from every candidate running for every office in the land, there was a big 8.5″ x 11″ full color envelope. Peeking through the window where my name and address were printed was this line:

“…two ways you can obtain protection from Satan’s fiery darts…”

Really? and, no…the return address was not from “Church Lady.”  I do still miss Dana Carvey and his characters.

I had sixteen years of Catholic education. It was a great experience; I can still quote entire pages from the Baltimore Catechism #2. (I always wondered what happened to the Baltimore Catechism #1.) I studied Theology in college (it was part of a double minor and since a lot had to do with one’s “personal” interpretation, I discovered it was an easy “A” for me as long as I agreed with the professors.) However, I think it is fairly safe to say that I don’t really believe that Satan is sending fiery darts at anyone, no less me…but apparently, his arch enemy, God’s right hand man, St. Michael, got my address and wanted to help me out in case of a firestorm by sending me this unsolicited piece of direct mail.

The package included a sepia-toned print of the Archangel. In this he is wearing a skirt and socks and giant gold wings. Sporting a too-small-for-his-head helmet, he is standing on a large round object (presumably the world), which is wrapped in a Pythonesque-sized snake with all sorts of fangs poking out of its mouth and a tongue that would make Mick Jagger envious. (It almost looks like a dragon without feet. Did someone mix up their Saints and put up George instead?)

St. Mike’s sword is in his hand, taking dead aim at the head of the serpent.  Suspended above the baby-bonnet-sized headpiece there appears to be the Statue of Liberty’s torch. Why, I do not know.

Attached to this “work of art” was a tear-off for me to fill out and mail back with my “Pledge of Consecration”…and a donation.

I don’t think so.

But it gets better…

Also included was a piece of red wax (the devil’s color, of course; it was not unlike a small birthday candle) that for a mere $17. (the suggested amount…I would have thought that $666. would have been more appropriate) I could send this back to the group (along with my signed pledge) and they would include my mini-candle in the mass meltdown of other folks’ to create one giant candle.

I guess the expression “Fighting fire with fire” was something that these folks believed…meet “Satan’s fiery darts” with a votive of humongous proportions (I can only guess at what the finished size would be; do people really send these things back to ward off evil?)

The finished product is to be placed at the aforementioned Archangel’s shrine in of all places, Italy.

Upon hearing that all the melted mini-candles were going to the homeland of my ancestors, MOTNSO (“More Often Than Not Significant Other”) remarked “Leave it to the Italians!”

He should regain consciousness within the next couple of days.

For the record, the signer of the letter didn’t have an Italian surname.  It really looked more Germanic than anything. MOTNSO is part German. I rest my case on ethnic liability.

Now, I am sometimes superstitious. I am not a fan of black cats, I stay indoors as much as possible every Friday the 13th and I would rather stick needles in my eyes than walk under a ladder. My Dad always says “Superstition is the religion of the feeble-minded.”

Um, that would be me…superstitious and feeble-minded. I have to tell you though, I draw the line at sending the mini-candle back with any kind of donation no less than 17 of my hard-earned bucks. If need be, I will take to wearing an asbestos suit to ward off the devil’s darts.

This blog is short because I must now put garlic on my windowsills to ward off vampires…as well as put my many rabbits’ feet in the dryer on “fluff” to  keep them attractive as well as their lucky powers active. The mega millions is way up there again.

What’s the silliest thing you ever got in the mail?


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One Response to The Devil’s Darts

  1. Hey, I have trip to Italy coming up, you send me the candle and a few $100 and I’ll hand deliver. Deal?

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